Parents with difficult childhoods may overcorrect and inadvertently create similar symptoms in their children. Being a good father or mother won’t erase being a “bad son” or “bad daughter.” Not meeting your child’s needs isn’t necessarily neglect.
Perfectionism can stem from an underlying cruelty, where parents attempt to correct for the mistakes of their own upbringing and/or those of the other parent. This overcorrection can lead to similar outcomes despite good intentions.
A parent who was mistreated as a child may overcorrect by being overly involved in their child’s life, trying to provide what they lacked. However, this excessive involvement can create an imbalance and contribute to similar problems.
Humans are fragile, and we struggle with self-delusion. Parents may idealize us, giving us a sense of self-esteem that we eventually confront as unrealistic. We may infer that our parents were biased, which is normal. Searching for validation from the world and wanting to live up to our parent’s grandiose image can become an addiction.
The need for control, hubris, and good intentions are the culprits here. The harder you try, the worse things seem to get. The poet William Blake wrote: “The iron fist that crushed the tyrant’s head became a tyrant in its stead.”
A parent who attempts to erase their childhood needs to seek alternative ways of making peace with it and consider sustaining self-esteem without relying on being a “good mother.” Psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough mother” is relevant here.
Rather than mirroring the world, parents can focus on their child’s strengths and help them understand and accept their weaknesses. They don’t need to reduce their love but learn to prioritize their own needs, teaching their children that they don’t need to be special to be important.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perfectionism/202408/dont-be-a-good-mother