Self-sabotage is an unconscious pattern that can destroy relationships without us even realizing it. The key difference between self-sabotage and intentional sabotage is our motivation – we’re not trying to harm others, but rather, we’re sabotaging ourselves.
This phenomenon can be particularly painful when we repeatedly fall into the same hurtful patterns in relationships. To break free from these cycles, we need to recognize the six major relational self-sabotaging mistakes:
1. Committing too quickly or for the wrong reasons
You may jump into a relationship without taking the time to get to know someone, driven by lust, love, or other strong emotions. This can lead to unrealistic expectations and a shallow connection.
2. Being risk-averse
Some people may avoid relationships due to fear of vulnerability, rejection, or past experiences that left them hurt. While this might be a legitimate concern, excessive risk aversion can prevent us from forming meaningful connections.
3. Playing emotional games
We often engage in “games” like criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling to protect ourselves. However, these strategies can create chaos and ultimately lead to doomed relationships.
4. Unfair expectations and self-measurement
We may set unrealistic standards for ourselves or our partners, leading to feelings of unworthiness or unlovability. This can be a result of perfectionism or past experiences that have shaped our self-perception.
5. Failing to absorb the positives in relationships
When we’re hurt, we might become defensive and dismissive of the good things our partner offers. By not absorbing these gifts, we risk missing out on truly positive connections.
6. Allowing relationships to “happen” without setting expectations
Sometimes, we accept a relationship without taking the time to assess whether it’s right for us. This can lead to feelings of uncertainty and disconnection.
To overcome self-sabotage, ask yourself:
– Which patterns may exist in your relationships?
– Why do these patterns persist in you?
– What purpose do they serve in your life?
– Have you been taught to think or act this way?
– Does the pattern emerge from hurt or past abuse?
By exploring and challenging these patterns, you can begin to break free from self-sabotage and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/perfectly-hidden-depression/202410/how-to-recognize-self-sabotage-and-stop