It’s not your job to “fix” your partner’s trauma, and trying to do so can recreate painful dynamics from childhood. As children, we learned to anticipate the moods or desires of those in power to stay safe, which led us to become caretakers and mediators in our adult relationships.
However, this desire to help others heal often stems from childhood wounds, where we sought stability and protection by managing everyone else’s pain. But in adulthood, these strategies can lead to over-giving and blurred boundaries.
Recognizing that people in your life may not be on the same path as you when it comes to healing is crucial. Some individuals may still be stuck in denial or old patterns, while others may not see their own wounds clearly enough to acknowledge they need healing.
When we push our partner to heal, we unknowingly replay old dynamics from childhood, where we clung to hope that our caregivers would do their own healing work. As adults, we might fall into the same pattern with our partners, trying to make them see their unresolved wounds or trying to absorb some of their emotional burdens.
The hard truth is that no amount of love or effort can force someone else to heal. When we try, we stay stuck in the role of caretaker or enabler, repeating a pattern we swore we’d break. Our partner’s healing is ultimately their responsibility, and setting boundaries around what you can control is essential for your own growth.
Breaking this pattern involves understanding two hard but freeing truths: you can’t do the healing for others, and your safety and worth can’t depend on someone else’s growth. You can offer love, compassion, and support, but ultimately, each person is responsible for their own process.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202602/why-you-cant-heal-your-partners-trauma